Every newspaper and newscast in the world today is all atwitter with the big news that the new Pope is a Catholic. He’s against abortion! Against women as priests! Against homosexual marriage!

Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong, but hasn’t this been Catholic doctrine since, Oh, I dunno…500 A.D. or so?

So, the new Pope is a conservative! According to liberal theologians, even liberal Catholic theologians he’s a divider, not a uniter. In pod-speak this means he upholds traditional standards, morals and ethics. In pod-speak he would be a uniter if he would tolerate anything but morality.

I’m not Catholic myself, but it seems to me that if you advocate doctrine that is not Catholic, or cannot embrace Catholic doctrine, maybe you are not Catholic. I mean, what is it that makes you Catholic besides your beliefs?

If you are for homosexual marriage, maybe you should be Presbyterian. For abortion? Try Methodism! Like women as priests? The Episcopalians are there for you. Don’t like saying your rosary or going to confession? Be a Baptist! Because, as they succinctly say in the ‘hood “you ain’t no Catholic for real”

So for now, the phrase “Is the Pope Catholic?” is still an answer, not a question.